Great picture on your home page. I think it needs to be resized a little so that the viewer doesn’t need to scroll down to see the entire picture. This is a minor critique and leaving it the way it is would not distract from the page at all. First person was a good choice to use in this introduction. I think you did a good job of introducing the character and the elements that will be in the story as well as giving the reader some back story. That makes it easier for readers to get right into the meat of the story so that they are a little more familiar with the story of Dante than they might have been before. Im not sure if this is going to be a story about the writer or the character though, but that is more than ok because I think either would be interesting. So far this sounds interesting and I will be looking forward to you adding more to the storybook.
Patrick, great job! With all of the questions Virgil asked himself in the beginning of the story, I started really grasping the character. He seemed like a mischievous and desperate to please type of fellow.
One suggestion for the body of the introduction would be to express some of the sentences more efficiently. I started getting lost in all of the words, so maybe when you edit it, you can look for ways to shorten the sentences, but still get the main point across.
There were a few words you used that I was unfamiliar with, but they really added to the story. For example, the word “wont.” I originally thought you left out the apostrophe in the word “won’t”, but I was wrong!
After this sentence, “However, never shall I see the glory of Heaven because I was never saved,” you need to add a period at the end. I was also curious why you had a line before your last two paragraphs.
The whole story reminded me of the book, “The Screwtape Letters,” by C. S. Lewis. You should check it out!
Thanks Brooke! Yeah, it is a bit wordy, but I thought it seemed appropriate since Virgil was never at a loss for words (The Aeneid is almost 400 pages long!). I will look at ways to make it easier to read though! And I read The Screwtape Letters back in high school, it's a great book to both read and study deeper! Thanks for your feedback!
Hey Patrick! I have been looking forward to reading your storytelling and glad I finally got the chance too because I enjoyed the story of Dante’s Inferno. As I read, it felt as if I was reading form the original text. So I really like how you are keeping the old feel within your grammar and word choice in your paper story. I think it is really interesting that you are going to tell this story in the perspective of Virgil. The format of your site is also great! From the title to the actual story’s text, they pair perfectly. The header fancy but if you were to use it as the format for your story it might be difficult to read. So I am glad you stuck with a regular text with a contracting background to make it easier for the reader to read your story. I cannot wait to read more and keep up the awesome work!
Hi Patrick! I just wanted to say that you did great on your storybook so far! I haven't read Dante's Inferno but I really enjoyed your story. It was very well written. I really like the feel that your story gives off. I kind of have a slight background of the original story and I like how you kept your story in the same mood of the original Story. I like how your website also has a nice feel to it. It really goes nicely with your story. I really liked how you have your story in Virgil's point of view. Your introduction really grabbed my attention, which is great!! Your intro is very well written. Your story was very easy to follow. I really look forward to reading more of your stories! Great job!
Patrick, great job with the introduction to your Storybook! It really grabbed my attention and kept me interested; I really wanted to read the next story, so I am eagerly waiting for the next story you write! I think your story was very easy to read and understand, so that made it so much more interesting. You did a great job with the character development and how you set the mood for the story. I didn't read the original, but I like where you are going with this storybook. I also like the point of view you are taking it from. So overall, good job and I am looking forward to reading more!
What a cool idea for your project to focus on Dante’s Inferno! I’ve always wanted to read the work in full but have never gotten around to it. Hopefully after graduation I’ll have some time to do some leisure reading and catch up on all kinds of interesting literature. Until then I look forward to reading your storybook project as a worthy and well-written second option! Your coverage is really attention grabbing and you picked a good graphic. I would maybe consider centering the image? Although, that’s a personal preference and purely aesthetic related. Your introduction and first story post are both very well written! Your post about the ferryman and the stories of various individuals trying to cross was particularly interesting. I like how you included multiple instances with separate individuals in order to give a more holistic view of the myth. I hope your project continues to go well!
Patrick, I am excited to read more of your storybook for this class. One quick suggestion before I start reading. I would try a different font for the titles of your stories because they are a little hard to read, especially when they are in the tabs. Other than that, the look of the website seems to fit the topic.
Great first paragraph! The questions were easily understandable.
When you say a payment is required for souls to cross over to meet their fate, I would maybe specify exactly what that is because I had to read the sentence again to make sure I understood.
You used a few really fitting vocabulary words that you don’t hear super often, which I thought was a great addition. I am always intrigued by words that seems unfamiliar to me so when you used the word “trifling” I looked it up in the dictionary to make sure I knew what it meant!
Adding the picture in the middle of the text was excellent. I have started doing that too.
Patrick, I must say - you are a very talented writer. I would go so far as to say you're a word-smith. You have a way of weaving together words, blending them to where they're an adventure to read, a delight for the tongue when read aloud. I like how you're telling the story from different points of view - first Virgil, then the Ferryman. Honestly, I've never read Dante's Inferno, but I might have to now! I also appreciate how you're incorporating other myths and legends into your storybook project instead of just sticking to the one story re-telling. Keep up the lovely writing - it's truly a treat to read!
The introduction from Virgil’s point of view was very interesting. I like that you gave a lot of background information about Virgil and Dante in this section. It is cool to hear Virgil’s inner thoughts and worries about the great task ahead of him. It’s clear that he feels a lot of pressure to guide Dante on this difficult journey. I am interested to know where Virgil is and how he is speaking with Beatrice and the Mother Mary because it says he is not allowed in Heaven. The tone of the introduction really sets up the gravity of the situation that will be described throughout the storybook. The Ferryman of the Underworld was different from anything I’ve read so far in other storybooks. I like that it was entirely from Charon’s perspective with no quotations and he even had to relay what Virgil was saying. This made it feel like he really was speaking directly to the readers. There was a lot of background information about the underworld presented in this one story. Good job!
Patrick, it seems like your story is coming along very well. You have such an interesting theme! I think it will be really entertaining to follow Dante and Virgil throughout your stories. I like that you were able to incorporate stories about other heroes as well, like Theseus and Orpheus. You were able to fit a lot into one story, but it still flowed really well, and I didn't feel overwhelmed by it. That takes a lot of skill, I think. You also did an excellent job providing a good amount of background without bogging down the reader. It was really easy to follow.
You did a good job using different narrators, as well. It made a lot of sense for Virgil to narrate the introduction. I think part of why you were able to include other smaller stories in your first major story is your choice of narrator. Using the ferryman of the underworld, you gave the reader access to other experiences Dante and Virgil wouldn't have known about.
Great job, Patrick! I look forward to reading more.
I chose your storybook for one of my extra comments this week because the title pulled me in. I read Dante's Inferno in high school and loved it so I was eager to see what you were going to reveal in your stories. First off, I have to compliment you on your writing style! You are really talented. Do you enjoy writing fiction? I thought your introduction was engaging, interesting, and really cool. I like that you started your storybook off with Virgil. He is so important to the continuation of Dante's story. Have you ever played the Dante's Inferno video game? Virgil is both a great help and a total pain. In the game he comes off as long-winded, but your story was concise and really kept my attention. Sometimes I wish I had a Virgil in my life to guide me through trials and tribulations, but that's just part of the fun I guess- messing up and learning from your experiences. Great job with your intro, I look forward to reading more!
Home Page: Oh this is a wonderful homepage that really sets the tone for your storybook. The picture is particularly impactful. I did notice that your page seemed sort of focused on the left side of the page. To balance out the page it might help to increase the size of the picture a little and center it with the title. I don’t know how to do that, but I might be worth considering. Introduction: I am not familiar with the original story your storybook is based off of, but it sounds intense. Since, I don’t know the characters some of the references were illusive to me, but I think for someone who knows the story the references would be easy to pick up on. I really like the idea that the story is told from the perspective of Dante’s guild through hell. At first I questioned why you included the part about Virgil not being a Christian, but after thinking about it this explains why he is familiar with the depths of Hell. I am not sure what sort of being Virgil is. Is he a dead human? Or a demon? Or what, but I know he knows about Hell and wants Dante to be able to maneuver his way through. The Ferryman of the Underworld: I like how you told this story from the perspective of the Ferryman. I was a bit confused about the focus of the story, because most of it was about Heracles or other people the Ferryman met and there was very little about Dante and Virgil. I would have liked to read more about the encounter between Dante, Virgil, and the Ferryman. It was also weird to me how the Ferryman was adamant about payment, but quickly was convinced to give them a ride. I picture the man who ferries people to their place in Hell to be more concerned about his own well-being then of others. I might be wrong. Overall I think your storybook topic is awesome and I like your creativity within it.
Hey again Patrick! I didn’t comment before on your introduction but I will do so now; I love the color choices you used! The colors are not too crazy to keep me distracted from the story, the font it eligible and the pictures are really great! Since I read the introduction last time, I read The Ferryman of the Underworld story. I really like how you are forming your story and the language of your story is great. You put a lot of information within your text about the Greek gods, which is awesome because it shows how much effort you put into your writing. One thing I will note that I noticed through your story is how much you use the phrase however. If you changed that word in a few different places in your paper it will show your use of other vocabulary words. Other than that your grammar, organization, information and characters look great! Keep up the good work!
Hey Patrick! I thought your story “The Inferno: What Dante Never Told you” was really interesting. I especially liked how you chose to write it in the perspective of Charon. It allowed me to understand the experiences Charon endured and what he was feeling during that time, such as what emotions he was experience – fear and sadness. The style that you wrote the story in was clear and to the point. It was not too difficult to read. I think this had to do with the fact that you chose to write it in an informal format rather than in formal style. I appreciated this. It made the character Charon more relatable. I did not really notice any grammatical or punctuation errors. Everything flowed well. The breaks in between the paragraphs mad sense. I did not notice any misspelling as well. Good job Patrick! I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Great picture on your home page. I think it needs to be resized a little so that the viewer doesn’t need to scroll down to see the entire picture. This is a minor critique and leaving it the way it is would not distract from the page at all.
ReplyDeleteFirst person was a good choice to use in this introduction. I think you did a good job of introducing the character and the elements that will be in the story as well as giving the reader some back story. That makes it easier for readers to get right into the meat of the story so that they are a little more familiar with the story of Dante than they might have been before. Im not sure if this is going to be a story about the writer or the character though, but that is more than ok because I think either would be interesting. So far this sounds interesting and I will be looking forward to you adding more to the storybook.
Patrick, great job! With all of the questions Virgil asked himself in the beginning of the story, I started really grasping the character. He seemed like a mischievous and desperate to please type of fellow.
ReplyDeleteOne suggestion for the body of the introduction would be to express some of the sentences more efficiently. I started getting lost in all of the words, so maybe when you edit it, you can look for ways to shorten the sentences, but still get the main point across.
There were a few words you used that I was unfamiliar with, but they really added to the story. For example, the word “wont.” I originally thought you left out the apostrophe in the word “won’t”, but I was wrong!
After this sentence, “However, never shall I see the glory of Heaven because I was never saved,” you need to add a period at the end. I was also curious why you had a line before your last two paragraphs.
The whole story reminded me of the book, “The Screwtape Letters,” by C. S. Lewis. You should check it out!
Thanks Brooke! Yeah, it is a bit wordy, but I thought it seemed appropriate since Virgil was never at a loss for words (The Aeneid is almost 400 pages long!). I will look at ways to make it easier to read though! And I read The Screwtape Letters back in high school, it's a great book to both read and study deeper! Thanks for your feedback!
DeleteHey Patrick! I have been looking forward to reading your storytelling and glad I finally got the chance too because I enjoyed the story of Dante’s Inferno. As I read, it felt as if I was reading form the original text. So I really like how you are keeping the old feel within your grammar and word choice in your paper story. I think it is really interesting that you are going to tell this story in the perspective of Virgil. The format of your site is also great! From the title to the actual story’s text, they pair perfectly. The header fancy but if you were to use it as the format for your story it might be difficult to read. So I am glad you stuck with a regular text with a contracting background to make it easier for the reader to read your story. I cannot wait to read more and keep up the awesome work!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Patrick! I just wanted to say that you did great on your storybook so far! I haven't read Dante's Inferno but I really enjoyed your story. It was very well written. I really like the feel that your story gives off. I kind of have a slight background of the original story and I like how you kept your story in the same mood of the original Story. I like how your website also has a nice feel to it. It really goes nicely with your story. I really liked how you have your story in Virgil's point of view. Your introduction really grabbed my attention, which is great!! Your intro is very well written. Your story was very easy to follow. I really look forward to reading more of your stories! Great job!
ReplyDeletePatrick, great job with the introduction to your Storybook! It really grabbed my attention and kept me interested; I really wanted to read the next story, so I am eagerly waiting for the next story you write! I think your story was very easy to read and understand, so that made it so much more interesting. You did a great job with the character development and how you set the mood for the story. I didn't read the original, but I like where you are going with this storybook. I also like the point of view you are taking it from. So overall, good job and I am looking forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteWhat a cool idea for your project to focus on Dante’s Inferno! I’ve always wanted to read the work in full but have never gotten around to it. Hopefully after graduation I’ll have some time to do some leisure reading and catch up on all kinds of interesting literature. Until then I look forward to reading your storybook project as a worthy and well-written second option! Your coverage is really attention grabbing and you picked a good graphic. I would maybe consider centering the image? Although, that’s a personal preference and purely aesthetic related. Your introduction and first story post are both very well written! Your post about the ferryman and the stories of various individuals trying to cross was particularly interesting. I like how you included multiple instances with separate individuals in order to give a more holistic view of the myth. I hope your project continues to go well!
ReplyDeletePatrick, I am excited to read more of your storybook for this class. One quick suggestion before I start reading. I would try a different font for the titles of your stories because they are a little hard to read, especially when they are in the tabs. Other than that, the look of the website seems to fit the topic.
ReplyDeleteGreat first paragraph! The questions were easily understandable.
When you say a payment is required for souls to cross over to meet their fate, I would maybe specify exactly what that is because I had to read the sentence again to make sure I understood.
You used a few really fitting vocabulary words that you don’t hear super often, which I thought was a great addition. I am always intrigued by words that seems unfamiliar to me so when you used the word “trifling” I looked it up in the dictionary to make sure I knew what it meant!
Adding the picture in the middle of the text was excellent. I have started doing that too.
Patrick, I must say - you are a very talented writer. I would go so far as to say you're a word-smith. You have a way of weaving together words, blending them to where they're an adventure to read, a delight for the tongue when read aloud. I like how you're telling the story from different points of view - first Virgil, then the Ferryman. Honestly, I've never read Dante's Inferno, but I might have to now! I also appreciate how you're incorporating other myths and legends into your storybook project instead of just sticking to the one story re-telling. Keep up the lovely writing - it's truly a treat to read!
ReplyDeleteThe introduction from Virgil’s point of view was very interesting. I like that you gave a lot of background information about Virgil and Dante in this section. It is cool to hear Virgil’s inner thoughts and worries about the great task ahead of him. It’s clear that he feels a lot of pressure to guide Dante on this difficult journey. I am interested to know where Virgil is and how he is speaking with Beatrice and the Mother Mary because it says he is not allowed in Heaven. The tone of the introduction really sets up the gravity of the situation that will be described throughout the storybook.
ReplyDeleteThe Ferryman of the Underworld was different from anything I’ve read so far in other storybooks. I like that it was entirely from Charon’s perspective with no quotations and he even had to relay what Virgil was saying. This made it feel like he really was speaking directly to the readers. There was a lot of background information about the underworld presented in this one story. Good job!
Patrick, it seems like your story is coming along very well. You have such an interesting theme! I think it will be really entertaining to follow Dante and Virgil throughout your stories. I like that you were able to incorporate stories about other heroes as well, like Theseus and Orpheus. You were able to fit a lot into one story, but it still flowed really well, and I didn't feel overwhelmed by it. That takes a lot of skill, I think. You also did an excellent job providing a good amount of background without bogging down the reader. It was really easy to follow.
ReplyDeleteYou did a good job using different narrators, as well. It made a lot of sense for Virgil to narrate the introduction. I think part of why you were able to include other smaller stories in your first major story is your choice of narrator. Using the ferryman of the underworld, you gave the reader access to other experiences Dante and Virgil wouldn't have known about.
Great job, Patrick! I look forward to reading more.
I chose your storybook for one of my extra comments this week because the title pulled me in. I read Dante's Inferno in high school and loved it so I was eager to see what you were going to reveal in your stories. First off, I have to compliment you on your writing style! You are really talented. Do you enjoy writing fiction? I thought your introduction was engaging, interesting, and really cool. I like that you started your storybook off with Virgil. He is so important to the continuation of Dante's story. Have you ever played the Dante's Inferno video game? Virgil is both a great help and a total pain. In the game he comes off as long-winded, but your story was concise and really kept my attention. Sometimes I wish I had a Virgil in my life to guide me through trials and tribulations, but that's just part of the fun I guess- messing up and learning from your experiences. Great job with your intro, I look forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteHome Page: Oh this is a wonderful homepage that really sets the tone for your storybook. The picture is particularly impactful. I did notice that your page seemed sort of focused on the left side of the page. To balance out the page it might help to increase the size of the picture a little and center it with the title. I don’t know how to do that, but I might be worth considering.
ReplyDeleteIntroduction: I am not familiar with the original story your storybook is based off of, but it sounds intense. Since, I don’t know the characters some of the references were illusive to me, but I think for someone who knows the story the references would be easy to pick up on. I really like the idea that the story is told from the perspective of Dante’s guild through hell. At first I questioned why you included the part about Virgil not being a Christian, but after thinking about it this explains why he is familiar with the depths of Hell. I am not sure what sort of being Virgil is. Is he a dead human? Or a demon? Or what, but I know he knows about Hell and wants Dante to be able to maneuver his way through.
The Ferryman of the Underworld: I like how you told this story from the perspective of the Ferryman. I was a bit confused about the focus of the story, because most of it was about Heracles or other people the Ferryman met and there was very little about Dante and Virgil. I would have liked to read more about the encounter between Dante, Virgil, and the Ferryman. It was also weird to me how the Ferryman was adamant about payment, but quickly was convinced to give them a ride. I picture the man who ferries people to their place in Hell to be more concerned about his own well-being then of others. I might be wrong.
Overall I think your storybook topic is awesome and I like your creativity within it.
Hey again Patrick! I didn’t comment before on your introduction but I will do so now; I love the color choices you used! The colors are not too crazy to keep me distracted from the story, the font it eligible and the pictures are really great! Since I read the introduction last time, I read The Ferryman of the Underworld story. I really like how you are forming your story and the language of your story is great. You put a lot of information within your text about the Greek gods, which is awesome because it shows how much effort you put into your writing. One thing I will note that I noticed through your story is how much you use the phrase however. If you changed that word in a few different places in your paper it will show your use of other vocabulary words. Other than that your grammar, organization, information and characters look great! Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHey Patrick!
ReplyDeleteI thought your story “The Inferno: What Dante Never Told you” was really interesting. I especially liked how you chose to write it in the perspective of Charon. It allowed me to understand the experiences Charon endured and what he was feeling during that time, such as what emotions he was experience – fear and sadness. The style that you wrote the story in was clear and to the point. It was not too difficult to read. I think this had to do with the fact that you chose to write it in an informal format rather than in formal style. I appreciated this. It made the character Charon more relatable.
I did not really notice any grammatical or punctuation errors. Everything flowed well. The breaks in between the paragraphs mad sense. I did not notice any misspelling as well. Good job Patrick! I look forward to reading more of your writing.